You know you do. Or at least have. The sooner you admit to this, the happier you'll be. Denying such an act is only going to bring you shame and self-loathing.
I watch. I've come to terms with that. This was hard to face at first, considering there is always a nagging sensation in the back of my mind that I am watching a network with the craziest mixed messages ever...
It wants to be:
a healthy network
a comfort food network (read: NOT healthy)
a network for women
a network for men
a network for both
a network for families
a network for single parents
a network for world-travelers
a network for traveler-wannabes
a network for people who never want to leave the town they're currently in. Ever.
But I must be honest... watching the Food Network has taught me a lot about myself. At this point in my conflicted Food Network viewership, I have pulled recipes from (almost) all of the prime daytime chefs. Hell, I've even pulled from Two Fat Ladies (if you don't know who Two Fat Ladies are, click on the show title... you can thank me with pastries or some sort of bland pork entree. Think Paula Deen, but british... and there are TWO of them!). So I cannot complain too much about the chefs they choose to broadcast.
From week to week, my favorite of these shows changes. I find that I cannot commit to one show as my hands-down favorite for too long before I decide I like another one better. While some may see this as non-commital (a trait I might have picked up since moving to Los Angeles), I actually see this as a positive character trait- for in my observation I have deduced that there can only be a certain type of person to constitute a faithful viewer to each major chef on the Food Network. Allow me to expound on this theory with a kind of horoscope for viewers of the following...
If you watch:
Paula Deen- You love life. You come from the South and you understand the appeal of every single dish she makes. You can just hear your momma in the background yellin' at you that you're gonna sit at that table, young man, until every last bite of that Cream-a-Potatah Casserole is finished/I didn't slave over a hot stove all day for you to just stare at mah food! Food is enjoyable not just on your taste buds, but also in your heart... and despite any effort to stave this off, you will eventually have to loosen a notch on your belt. Maybe two. And, in most cases, even more than that.
The Barefoot Contessa (or as I lovingly call her "Ina"): You may have a sweet demeanor, but you're slightly awkward and all of your relationships are just on the verge of uncomfortable. Even with your husband/wife. You clearly have a sophisticated palate, but with each passing episode, er...week, you realize that you are just not in the physical shape you used to be and would rather just have friends run out to the store and pick you up a platter or two from Ralph's and convince your guests that both the cuisine and beautiful plating are products of years of self-taught, French-inspired cooking. Oh, and you also love to invite your effete Latino friends to decorate your dining room with the most nauseatingly colorful designs and the occasional rock or twig from "your garden."
Giada deLaurentiis: You're pretentious. And dumb. Why dumb? Because you have a penchant for over-enunciating words in your "native tongue" to the point of absurdity. People also see through your tricks... you may have a huge, toothy smile that may come off as charming- but after a while, everyone knows that when the curtains are drawn and no one is looking, you're a RAGING BITCH.
Guy Fieri: You have something to prove.
Anne Burrell: You like to break things and people fear you.
Down Home with the Neelys: You're the type of person that wants everyone to know that you "have a black friend."
Rachel Ray: You will eventually be lured into joining a cult. A really annoying cult, but one that nonetheless makes quick and tasty meals.
Ten Dollar Dinners with Melissa d'Arabian: You have a made up last name. And you're cheap.
Sweet Genius/Cupcake Wars: You're currently in a deep state of depression.
Two Fat Ladies: You have a wonderful sense of humor. And a death wish.
Restaurant: Impossible: You have a sincere passion for seeing someone get a second chance... and you're plotting how to find Robert Irvine in a dark alleyway and beat the shit out of him.
Worst Chefs in America: You have a superiority complex.
Chopped: I tried to give myself a break on this one. I really did. This show is extremely exciting and educational in my humble opinion, and I love every second of it. However, people who watch Chopped on a regular basis are on the same plain of existence as those football fans who jump up and scream "You're playing like shit, Tom Brady! Even I could have made that pass! With my eyes closed! Ya big pansy!" Oh really? Well, we'd all like to see you try. We'd all also like to see you create a dessert in 30 minutes using eggplant, bacon, duck fat and pickle juice as your required ingredients.
Now, word of warning... I am not a psychiatrist, nor do I have a degree in psychology. As a matter of fact, I took half a semester of Psychology in high school and that's as far as I got. So, if you happen to be a regular viewer of any of these shows, then I apologize. I know how tough it will be for you to be correctly analyzed by someone with such little training- after all, no one likes a mirror to be involuntarily shoved in front of their faces.
However, one thing I have always tried to do is to call 'em as I sees 'em. And I will not yield, I will not fold, I will not cease in that pursuit simply because it offends people... not even for fellow Paula Deen fans.
My final diagnosis: watching Food Network, like life itself, is fine when taken in moderation. Learn a new skill, teach yourself how to flambe, make a romantic dinner that doesn't come out of a can... but remember: too much of a good thing can make you act just like the host.
Something NONE of us want... especially Giada deLaurentiis fans.
Am I riiiiiiigght?
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