Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Call me Nostradamus...

Perhaps you will recall this post from a while back...

Well, Hootnanny-ers...it seems somebody out there in the Science World heard ol' Nate spouting his little gold nuggets of truth and decided to do some hypothesizing and gesticulatin' and see if there was anything to it.

I give you...

I ain't the kinda guy that says "I toldya so", but...

Stay tuned for more soon-to-be-proven scientific predictions!

Monday, March 21, 2011

Hell Is...

In my estimation, Hell must be driving behind an endless chain of Los Angeles Buses and Prius drivers on Santa Monica Boulevard between the Wilshire intersection and La Cienega Boulevard from 7 am-6pm on a rainy day.

Buses, I get.
They're big, they're slow, they have to stop for people every 10 feet.

But Prius drivers are one of the greatest mysteries of our universe. Neither science nor religion will ever be able to explain why Prius drivers lose their ability to function on a rational level once they buy this car. I am convinced Prius owners sign away not a part of their soul but rather a large part of their brain in order to own said vehicle. It takes every ounce of self-control that I have not to run through every environmentally-friendly yet small Prius with my gas-guzzling, yet large and imposing Jeep Wrangler as I drive behind them.

I'm an optimist. And as such, I must believe that one day operating an automobile on this planet will be logical. Hopefully in my lifetime...

Speaking of which... where are the flying cars I was promised in Back To The Future Part 2?

Friday, March 4, 2011

An Open Letter to Thieves in My Neighborhood

Dear Miserable Failure, aka The Guy Who Broke Into My Car Last Night:

I know why you chose my vehicle.

I drive a 2003 Jeep Wrangler Ragtop whose windows over the past year and a half have flown off due to, I suspect, faulty design. Wranglers, by design, are already among the easiest cars to break into. Take away 50% of the windows that protect the car from the elements and desperate vagrant, crack-whores like yourself and I suppose I cannot blame you too much for choosing my vehicle.

But, you see...I'm smarter than you are.

True, I don't know you, but by the simple virtue that you risked being caught and prosecuted to break into a car with virtually no security thinking that you would find some magic treasure that could thrust you back into the sophisticated social and professional pipelines of a decent and upstanding society (but most likely only to sustain you until your next fix), I know you are not a man of superior intellect.

What kind of fool would leave anything of value in a vehicle that offers no protection to said objects?

And what did you end up getting, sir (what a stretch to call you that)? You took my parking change. You took what probably amounted to $3.25 and in the process you did not shake my sense of security in either my neighborhood or my surroundings. You did not do anything but start out my ultimately productive and satisfying day with a bit of annoyance and make me decide to no longer carry my change in my car.

In that light, you did me a favor. And with that in mind, I thank you. Your actions stirred in me an interest in creating a self-designed replacement security system for the windows I have lost, a la MacGyver- the plans of which have already been sketched out I might add. Additionally, I made that $3.25 back on the write-off I will get next year from the Government half way into my drive to work and 15 minutes after I discovered your sad attempt at stealing from me.

So, really sir...what did you accomplish? Did that $3.25 get you anything besides a Coke? Did throwing all the papers I have in my glove box all over the place earn you anything except wasted time? Do you somehow feel better about your deluded, sad self? Was all that trouble and risk worth it?

After all, even if I don't erect my self-designed security system anytime soon and I leave my Jeep exposed to the elements and trash like yourself, do you truly believe from this point forth that I will even carry the $3.25 you took?

No sir.

So, do yourself a favor. Don't risk it next time. And stay the hell away from my car.

An Intelligent, Employed, Upstanding Member of Society With a Future

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Is That Bill Shakespeare Over There?

So recently, I was listening to the reading of a play. Now, this play has been produced before. And one would assume it has been edited and re-edited. I had to share with all you faithful Hootenanny patrons something I ran across in the script.

The following appears 3/4 of the way through the story. The 4 main characters are the only ones on stage and all have not only been introduced at this point but present throughout and crucial to the play's action.

In the middle of the dialogue, the Speaker is ranting and raving and listing faults of the other characters when the stage directions direct the Main Character:

Blah...blah...blah, emphatic dialogue (Pointing specifically to someone) blah blah blah....

Gotta love good writing.