Dear Miserable Failure, aka The Guy Who Broke Into My Car Last Night:
I know why you chose my vehicle.
I drive a 2003 Jeep Wrangler Ragtop whose windows over the past year and a half have flown off due to, I suspect, faulty design. Wranglers, by design, are already among the easiest cars to break into. Take away 50% of the windows that protect the car from the elements and desperate vagrant, crack-whores like yourself and I suppose I cannot blame you too much for choosing my vehicle.
But, you see...I'm smarter than you are.
True, I don't know you, but by the simple virtue that you risked being caught and prosecuted to break into a car with virtually no security thinking that you would find some magic treasure that could thrust you back into the sophisticated social and professional pipelines of a decent and upstanding society (but most likely only to sustain you until your next fix), I know you are not a man of superior intellect.
What kind of fool would leave anything of value in a vehicle that offers no protection to said objects?
And what did you end up getting, sir (what a stretch to call you that)? You took my parking change. You took what probably amounted to $3.25 and in the process you did not shake my sense of security in either my neighborhood or my surroundings. You did not do anything but start out my ultimately productive and satisfying day with a bit of annoyance and make me decide to no longer carry my change in my car.
In that light, you did me a favor. And with that in mind, I thank you. Your actions stirred in me an interest in creating a self-designed replacement security system for the windows I have lost, a la MacGyver- the plans of which have already been sketched out I might add. Additionally, I made that $3.25 back on the write-off I will get next year from the Government half way into my drive to work and 15 minutes after I discovered your sad attempt at stealing from me.
So, really sir...what did you accomplish? Did that $3.25 get you anything besides a Coke? Did throwing all the papers I have in my glove box all over the place earn you anything except wasted time? Do you somehow feel better about your deluded, sad self? Was all that trouble and risk worth it?
After all, even if I don't erect my self-designed security system anytime soon and I leave my Jeep exposed to the elements and trash like yourself, do you truly believe from this point forth that I will even carry the $3.25 you took?
No sir.
So, do yourself a favor. Don't risk it next time. And stay the hell away from my car.
Bitch.
Yours,
An Intelligent, Employed, Upstanding Member of Society With a Future
